This blog has taken me longer to write than any other. I have toyed with the title. What to say. How to say it. I thought of it while I worked, while I clean and pretty much did anything. I could not get it out of my head.
Like many of you that read this blog my story is similar to yours. I have had years of struggle with infertility. I have also been blessed with the miracle of my son through adoption. Like you, I have seen the darkness and I have also seen light. I have screamed and rejoiced. Right now though I am scared. Why? Because through our infertility struggles my husband and I kept one embryo frozen. Insert scary movie music…One. Why? Honestly, I have no idea except to say it was not where my heart was. After 4 miscarriages my body was done. My heart also kept leading me to adoption. I knew our son would come to us that way. I can’t explain it. I just knew. In the same way, my heart has been aching for a sibling for our son. It has taken many talks with my husband to get us on the same page and many prayers to the Lord but I am thrilled that we are ready. I am also scared to death.
We are transferring the one.
There is so much secrecy in infertility and loss. So many women suffer in silence, ashamed to voice their pain and grief. I know I was. I would not tell anyone when I was pregnant and then suffered in silence when we miscarried time and time again. I did not want the "bless your heart’s" or the sad looks. I did not want people to make me feel like a victim even though at times I felt like one. So, like many of you, I suffered in silence and shame. I suffered alone.
There is a risk with going out there with this. You all know why. When you go public with something like this you get to share all of it. That is where fear comes in. What if it works? What if it doesn’t? These two scenarios keep going through my brain. Then I pause and think of when we were chosen to be our son’s parents. Some people were excited for us while others kept telling us every negative adoption story on the planet. Everyone seemed to "know" someone who knows someone and something bad happened with their adoption. We never wavered though. We rallied our prayer army and stayed the course. We had faith. We let that be bigger than our fear.
As I was cleaning my son’s room today I had an epiphany. I need my army right now. My prayer army. I needed them when we were adopting our son. I needed them to pray for us, our son and our son’s birth family. I was not afraid to shout it from the rooftops at how much I needed them but now for some reason I am.
As we enter into the week of Easter or Holy Week, I was reminded of Mary, Mother of Jesus. Mary’s faith in God is the perfect testimony of courage and faith. I read this quote in my study book, Mary’s real faith is a picture of unbelievable courage. To trust God was to be courageous. Mary’s "May it Be" attitude might be the most courageous words utter throughout her whole life (Twelve Women of the Bible).
Mary did not try to control God’s will. Her "May it Be" attitude has inspired me to be courageous. To have the courage to say, I can’t do this alone. However this works out. I will need my army and their prayers.
Why do we feel like we have to do this alone? No matter our life struggles. We don’t have to do this alone. We need people. We need our army. We need love. I have the courage to share this journey with all of you so you can also be filled with the same courage to share your journey. The fears you feel are real just like mine. What is also real is God. God and his comfort. I firmly believe that God sends us people to help us through our journey. How he has guided my personal course is testimony of that. At the same time, your friends can not help with what they don’t know.
So, don’t suffer any longer in shame or fear. Cling to your personal army, your village and God. Ask for their help, their love and their prayers. Prayer is powerful. Though my days and months ahead are scary, I am comforted that I am held up in prayer by my army. I am comforted that I am not alone. I pray that I have a "May it Be" attitude through the upcoming months. Praying that our second child will come to us just as our first one did…in his perfect timing. I find peace knowing that God has this in the palm of his hands.
Until next time,