Thankful for the Struggle

Today, we are pleased to introduce you to Katie, the winner of our Grateful for Infertility giveaway. Katie does a beautiful job of describing the struggle between the reality that comes with infertility and dreams of a life she thought she was going to have. In the midst of her own crisis, she found her strength. To following along with more of Katie's stories, hop on over to her blog, Honey Put On Your Party Dress.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
— Joshua 1:9

Some days are harder than others to get by. Some days I completely block and forget about my infertility. Some days it hits me like a brick wall. Some days it sits there lingering in the shadows.

I dreamed of having an amazing, highly regarded career that I loved. Being a fabulous editor of a fabulous magazine or writing fun taglines for commercials and products.

As I get older, my dream job changed. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to have someone who loved me unconditionally, aside from my husband and dog. I wanted to be able to mold and shape someone into a good person. I wanted to be at soccer games and be the fun mom with the treats.

I find myself in a crisis. The two dreams of careers are not within reach; there is not light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel feels long, dark, cold, and lonely. People react to you with well meaning and intended advice that feel like jabs in disguise. Some just aren't there all together.

You find out who's really there for you. The people who will cry watching What to Expect When your Expecting with you. The ones who treat you like you're normal and will love you no matter what you decide. It's finding yourself that's the hardest part of infertility. The old, carefree version of myself was lost in tears and heartache for years. The tears and heartache were public to few, but very evident to Ben & Jerry who spent countless nights consoling me with their various flavors of pints. I became someone my husband didn't know. I was never a sad soul, yet I let this ONE thing turn me that way. 

I've come to terms with my infertility. I'm starting to find me again. The me who is free spirited. The me who is perfectly content just being a wife, a puppy mom, and an aunt.

While the search for the two dream careers may have faded a bit, rediscovering myself has made all the difference.

Without the struggle, I wouldn't have found my strength.

A series for people who are grateful for infertility? Sounds crazy right! But it's not... what was once a phase of life marked by heartache and longing, has now become the scars that make us beautiful. Some of you reading this are right in the middle of your wait, are facing an unclear future or have been scarred by infertility. You may be struggling with how you could possibly be grateful for infertility. It took us a long time to get there ourselves. This is one of those areas where sometimes our faith has to guide us while our hearts and heads catch up. We have to practice thankfulness, even when it makes little sense, while God does His divine work on our souls.