I could not be happier than to introduce you all to Kelly today. She is one of my very best friends that I have yet to hug. A lot of people don't understand how you can be not only be friends, never mind be really true friends, with someone you've never met. I have to say that in the adoption community it happens every single day. And it is not just adoptive parents that I connect with - it is amazing birth moms and adoptees as well. You see, there is something we all have in common and something that is the most important thing to us - to love without barriers and to share that love with the world. Through all of that, very similar stories, and our love of the Lord, Kelly and I became friends very quickly. Plus we share the love of hashtag silliness and antics which is just icing on the cake.
Kelly is sharing with us today an excerpt from her blog post, My Journey to Adoption. Like many of us, she had to wade through the valley and then let the Lord pull her to the top of the mountain. Her journey, like many of ours has not been without sacrifice, loss, and unanswered questions. But through all of that the Lord has blessed her tremendously through the gift of adoption.
Please join us in welcoming Kelly to Our Not So Engineered Life today and I know that you will fall in love with her heart and soul just as I have after reading her story.
And Kelly, thank you for allowing us to share your story today. I am forever grateful for our friendship and can't wait for you to hear this sweet southern accent of mine in person one day soon. I will brace myself for the laughs..."bless my heart." - Jenny
My Journey to Adoption - by Kelly
Infertility is so life consuming. Anyone who says otherwise is a big fat liar. Some peoples life consuming moments just last far less time. The consumption of my infertility actually began before I was even sure I was infertile. It began in the simple words of a teenage girl who stated, "my worst fear is that I will never have children." That was the beginning of over a decade of thoughts and fears. Infertility has rocked my faith, my marriage, my self esteem, it has basically rocked my world. It ripped my destiny, what I knew I was meant to be, right from my grasp. I have spent so many years speculating why, with little success.
Then, last year, a ray of sunshine burst through years of heart aching rain clouds. It was a perfect message sent just for me, so personal I know it was meant to heal me heart. I had just experienced my third miscarriage. I was so helpless, hopeless as my doctor told me that there was no heartbeat. I sobbed as my doctor struggled with what to do for me. 15 minutes later I walked across the road to my husbands truck, shaking my head while I was consumed with my tears. Oh it was cloudy that day.
And then something happened soon after that, I am not sure when or how. I felt the most unimaginable peace. I felt the Lord consume my grief and leave peace and comfort in its place. The thought came into my mind that He was so proud of me. He was so proud of how hard I have fought, for every sleepless night, for every treatment and horrible injection. It was done. And He told me that was okay! I thought infertility was life consuming! I was wrong! That moment of peace was!
I still do not know why I cannot carry my babies. I have let that go. I probably will never know. But I was able to give control of that to Him. That was the first time I was able to do that. We decided to just let go of having children for a time. But He had different plans. He was clearing the way for something I wasn't ready for until that moment.
Then one day, when I was home alone, a video on adoption came across my social media. I scanned past but felt that I should go back. And then The Lord moved another mountain, the one that had prevented me from choosing adoption. The video shattered all the walls I had created. I knew that we needed to begin moving toward adoption. When I told Will, he just smiled and asked me what took me so long. He knew along,that little stink. But like the amazing husband he is, he let me get there on my own cause he knew it would mean more to me.
That was October of 2013. And here we are, June 2014, home study approved, consultant hired, being presented to birth mothers. Our baby feels closer than he/she ever has. But I am still resistant. I am resistant to let myself get excited or feel that the end is near. Dang heart break! That is what happens when you put the pieces back together, you build walls around it so it doesn't break again.
But I know there is another moment coming. Another moment where God will fill me with peace again. A moment where I will be able to let go of the control to Him and His perfect plan. I know in a short time I will hold our baby in my arms and wonder if I have ever felt anything like it. I will praise His tender mercies for knowing better than I did about how this would go down. I will praise him and thank Him for every rain cloud that brought me to that moment of sunshine.
That was the post from this summer just a short time before we were chosen and our son was born. And I know now how right I was. Being Rockwell's mom has changed me life. I never knew my heart could love so much. And I praise Him! I praise God for knowing how beautiful my story would be. I am grateful that He didn't swoop in and cure me. I am grateful He allowed me to feel the depths of grief because now the highs of happiness feel that much more sweet.
It has made it so I can truly take in moments like this...
So to say I am grateful for my infertility is an understatement. I am grateful that through His power I am who I am now. It is helping me reach my potential and to be a light for others. It has guided me to form One More Loved Foundation. And I can already see this new adventure will change my life too.
I am so grateful that my heart feels so full after feeling so empty. And He is the one who gave me that.
You can read more from Kelly over at her blog, Kelly Bee. She and two other wonderful adoptive moms have just formed a non-profit, One More Loved Foundation, to assist other families going through the adoption process.
A series for people who are grateful for infertility? Sounds crazy right! But it's not... what was once a phase of life marked by heartache and longing, has now become the scars that make us beautiful. Some of you reading this are right in the middle of your wait, are facing an unclear future or have been scarred by infertility. You may be struggling with how you could possibly be grateful for infertility. It took us a long time to get there ourselves. This is one of those areas where sometimes our faith has to guide us while our hearts and heads catch up. We have to practice thankfulness, even when it makes little sense, while God does His divine work on our souls.