I have wanted to be a mother since forever. My husband and I talked about it before we got married and we definitely wanted to start a family right away. We are both healthy adults without medical problems so we figured it would happen immediately. After all, I work in medicine, I know my anatomy and physiology, I can make this happen easily. Everyone on social media is pregnant and this happens accidentally every day. We were actually planning this, so this was definitely going to work out.
A couple months go by with nothing. I cry every month and we just kept trying.
It's okay. God is still good.
We continued to wait faithfully.
I was talking about our frustration to a friend one day and she sent me this verse:
Yes, God, I know you have a plan for me. Does that include a baby?
My husband and I continued to pray for our future baby every day. We fasted together. He held me while I cried every four weeks.
But God was still good even though our prayers were answered with a "not yet."
He led me to another verse:
Seeking is a very strong word. It isn't just looking around for or checking it out. It is fervent hunting. The word used in this quote means to deliberately strive and desire something as an act of will. The context implies putting your whole life at the disposal of God's rule and will so that nothing takes greater priority.
One day after another failed month, I was so angry with God. I was frustrated with Him, asking Him why won't He let this happen for me. Plenty of other people are getting pregnant in much worse situations than me.
What is wrong with me?
I hadn't even finished my thought when I flipped my Bible open and a verse jumps off the page:
I told my husband what happened. His response? "Wow, God really told you!"
He was right. Who was I to tell God that He is making a mistake with me? Why do I get to comment on His perfect will? My job is to glorify Him. That's it.
Our prayers for a baby changed into prayers to take the desire for a baby away if it is not in His will. Prayed and prayed... and nothing. We both still wanted to be parents and the desire to be pregnant was stronger than ever for me.
One day we were hanging out with some friends, and I was asked "would you be happy if you weren't able to have a baby?"
I said that I wasn't sure if I would be happy if I could never experience pregnancy. Then I started thinking, if it is God's plan for me to not be pregnant, is Jesus enough for me? This thought would bring me to tears. If I knew that I could not have children, would Jesus be enough?
I wanted more than anything for Jesus to be enough.
The Hebrew word for "still" means "to cease striving." It is the concept of putting your hands down and letting God intervene in your life with your inference.
After a couple years of trying, all normal testing, failed intrauterine inseminations (IUI), it became clear that IVF needed to be discussed. I was still not sure what I wanted to do. The Bible doesn't really talk about this. If you Google "Christianity and IVF" you don't come up with a lot of positive things.
My biggest concerns with IVF were if this was what God really wanted us to do. Would He be happy with our decision if we did it? Are we trying to play God by doing IVF?
We started talking to our friends, but none of them had been faced with this decision and really didn't have much input other than "keep praying about it." We finally came across a married couple that had been in our exact situation. We told them our concerns. They helped me feel not alone in this struggle and shed some light on things.
Our God is also the God of science. If He doesn't want me to be pregnant, He can make IVF not work too. We aren't trying to trick God or go behind His back by doing IVF. God is involved in the details of our lives and knows exactly what is going to happen if we do this.
This little conversation did it for me. I felt so much peace about the decision and we moved forward.
We started IVF. I did all the medications. All the shots. All the very early morning blood work. Then came the time for our first embryo transfer. We implanted one embryo and then began the dreaded two week wait. The day came for the results... and it wasn't good. I found out on a Friday at work. I had to keep myself composed until my shift was over. Then I cried all the way home. The next day I was obviously still upset but I knew that God was still good even though it didn't work.
That Sunday I went to church like we always did and say with some family. I stood up for worship and sang my little heart out to the God I love.
That night I got a text message from the family member that was sitting with us in church. She said that my worship that morning did not go unnoticed and that my faithfulness in this difficult time was a testament to my faith and my love of God.
That's when I realized this whole journey wasn't just for me. He used it to make me realize that people are observing how I live my life. I need to truly live the Gospel and bring glory to His name. That means living with Jesus at the center of my life and allowing Him to be enough for me in all my circumstances. No idol: baby, money, husband, job, etc. can be in His place.
We had three embryos and the last one was our little miracle! After nearly two and a half years, we were entrusted with a baby. Olivia Madison is due June 28!