"Is she really even mine?" That probably seems like a strange question for any mother to ask, huh? Yet that's a question that has been quietly tugging, pulling and nagging at me since just after we brought Haleigh home from the hospital.
I wanted nothing more than to have a child and would have gone, and in some respects did go, to the ends of the earth to get her. So when God finally blessed Rob and me with a baby, it would seem pretty obvious that she's finally ours. Yet, I have been surprised and wrestling with this question for a year and a half now. "Is she really even mine?" At first I thought it was maybe just a good 'old fashioned case of this-is-to-good-to-be-true. But the more I've focused in and pondered it, the more I have realized this question is coming from the depth of my soul. It's a prompting from the Holy Spirit and it requires action. So I started praying... Praying for clarification and discernment. God has answered my prayers with a call for obedience, sacrifice, selflessness and faith. He has made it clear that Haleigh has most definitely been given to me... To love, nurture, teach, and I get the awesome privilege of being her Mommy, but... she is His. She is a precious child of God who has been entrusted to me, with great responsibility, but she has a purpose of her very own. He reminded me of the words that were spoken to me when I was waiting on her and going through the miscarriage before her... "God let you go through this to give you hope and keep you fighting, but it's not the right time for your child to start her life yet because that life is already planned out. If she's born 6 months or a year too soon, she'll miss it." Those words were powerful and full of promise then, but now that she's here, in my arms, I am overwhelmed with awe and humility and excitement to see just how her precious, predestined life unfolds.
That excitement, however, requires obedience, sacrifice and faith. In answering my prayer for clarification, God keeps reminding me of the story of Abraham and Sarah. Talk about a couple that understands the struggle of infertility! Abraham faithfully waited for God's promise until he was 100 and Sarah was 90! I can't even begin to imagine that! I thought our five year wait was a tough journey! But after this unbelievable miracle of life, what did God do next? He asked Abraham to take his beloved, promised son and sacrifice him. Literally sacrifice him to God... on an altar! And Abraham never faltered in his obedience or faith! Of course we know how that story ended (Genesis 22). God sent an angel just in time to stop Abraham and provided an animal sacrifice instead. But I'm in awe of the obedience and faith that Abraham displayed in this story. And I'm challenged by it. God is not asking me to literally sacrifice my sweet girl... But to spiritually sacrifice her. To turn her back over to Him and let go of my tight grip on her life. He's asking me to teach, train and love her but to be willing to let her live out His purpose. And He's asking me to have faith that He will guide us all straight into that purpose. This challenge is giving me a whole new respect for Mary as she lived the ultimate example of this role of "mommy" to the Son of God!
So as God clarifies the reason behind the question "is she really even mine?" I now know the answer. No, she isn't. She's mine to love and raise, but she is His. We had faith that God would bless us with a child and He was faithful to fulfill that promise. But now my actions are required. I have to be willing, completely willing, to give her back. Though it's tough to release that white-knuckled grip on my precious baby, it's another test of my faith. I know that our faithful, loving God has an amazing plan for Haleigh and I'll never get the blessing of seeing it if I hold her back in any way from living it out fully. And I certainly don't want to be the cause of keeping her life from blessing and bringing others to God because I wouldn't let go! So one finger at a time, I'm letting go and I'm giving her back to our heavenly Father. And I'm thanking Him through the struggle to release her that I get to be her Mommy and get to play a small role in her finding her Godly purpose in life! What a blessing she is and will continue to be!