I cannot believe it is the last week of February and that this series is going to come to an end. The most amazing thing is that I am slammed full of stories until then and will likely run over a couple of days because I still have a few surprises to sprinkle around. Not to mention my words for our Chloe to close things out (for now).
With that said, I've been so anxious to share Lauren's story today. She posted it while back in one of our adoption groups on Facebook and I asked if I could share it for this month's series and she has graciously allowed me to. The more I've seen from Lauren, the more she reminds me so much of our own birthmom. She's very matter of fact, strong, independent, and smart. They have been through many of the same things and are at such the same phase in life. Lauren, I love your real words and for always bearing your soul so freely. Thank you for the perspective you lend (especially to me), and for allowing me to share your story today. You are an amazing young woman.
Unlike most adoption stories, I did not place because of lack of support and lack of financial stability. I actually have both of those things.
My first choice was termination. What lead me down the path of leaning towards placement, was actually a series of hurtful events. One of the events being my doctor actually telling me I was a *selfish* woman for wanting to terminate. All in all, when I decided adoption was the way I was going to go, it was SOLELY to give my brother and his wife the chance to be parents. Of course I believe that children should have two parents, and of course I could not give my son "everything", but that wasn't the reason I did this.
During my pregnancy I felt guilt. I told people that I was placing my child, because my child deserved more than I could offer. In all reality, I could offer my son just as much as my brother and his wife (minus two parents). I felt guilty because I was perfectly capable of parenting, but yet I didn't want to.
When I think about what I did, I shouldn't feel guilty. Me placing my son was TRULY an unselfish thing. I followed through with my pregnancy, I have endured a tremendous amount of heartbreak, and will continue to grieve for the rest of my life, just because of the love I have for my family. I felt guilty when I thought of terminating, only because I knew my brother and his wife had shed tears because they were without a child.
I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I could have terminated. I could have saved myself this pain, but I didn't. I sacrificed my heart, to fill the hearts of others.
As the delivery date came closer, my soul actually turned dark. I lay in bed and would cry myself to sleep. I would wake up in the morning and tears would run down my face. When I would shower my crying would fade in with the sound of the running water. I knew when I would give birth, my heart would die. I saw myself turning into a walking body with no soul.
The moment I looked at my son, ALL of those thoughts disappeared. The first thought I had that came to my mind, was that he was not meant for me. There was no doubt in my mind that he was meant to be in my brothers and his wife's arms. A huge sense of relief came to my heart. I was okay going home without him. Although all these feelings do not come without having guilt that I am completely fine without parenting him, I feel that God rewarded me. I didn't have to choose this. My choice didn't have to be adoption. I could have saved myself from this life time of pain, but I didn't. I am NOT selfish.
I am grieving. I do get overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I snap into this "reality" and think "omg...what have I done..." The full adoption hasn't gone through yet. I have signed over guardianship 2 times. Both times I feel sad. In all reality I could back out now. I feel proud in my decision. I feel proud that was decision really does not come with second thoughts. I feel grateful. The moment I placed him in their arms, was the moment I grew up.
I love you James!
What a better way to celebrate love in February than to feature some women we love and admire so much... Birth Moms! We had the privilege of spotlighting some truly amazing women whose stories have truly had an impact on our lives in great ways!