Grateful for Infertility? Jenni's Story

We are truly honored to share another beautiful story with you today.  Jenni is a dear friend and fellow adoptive mom.  We "met" through an adoption group and connected through her move back to Alabama.  We quickly became friends in real life and the first time we talked on the phone, I knew she was the Salt to my Peppa.  We share so many of the same thoughts and emotions as adoptive moms, and both are moms to precious little miracle boys.  Plus we have the same name!  Like myself and many others, Jenni found herself in the midst of the myriad of emotions that we all face when going through a trial like infertility.  But through those emotions, she found a way to reclaim her hope in God and a way to hold on for the far better plans He had in store for them.  She is sharing those words and raw emotions for those of you still in the midst of your trial.  You are not alone.  Hold on to the hope and faith in the Lord.  Please join me as we welcome one of my best friends and favorite people,  Jenni , to ONSEL today. 

Hold On {Jenni's Story}

My journey started like anyone other young women’s would. I had this idea in my head of what my life would look like. We all do. Perfect man, kids, house, career all of it. So with that vision I lived my life, with that in the back of my head as the standard. That is where my story begins. 

My husband and I settled in to cozy Colorado and started our life. We enjoyed our life just us and then I got babies on the brain. We did everything that anyone else would to do have babies and that failed. Then we did 6 IUI’s with one miscarriage. Then we did 2 rounds of IVF with two successful pregnancies with 2 miscarriages. 

I will completely honest when I say this, It was a dark place. The first IVF miscarriage was the hardest. I was the most hopeful with that one but that one also broke my spirit. Honestly, I never wanted to do IVF. I did it for my husband. I did it so I would never look back and regret. I did it because we were blessed enough to be able to. Looking back on that time for me is scary. It is scary because I was so sad and broken. So I began to pray. Sometimes my prayer was, I have no idea what I am doing. Sometimes my prayer was, help me keep it together. Sometimes in my prayer I cried. None the less it was prayer. Something I had lost a long time ago.

People on the outside saw me as so brave. I constantly posted quotes and prayers about keeping the faith but I was lost. I could not understand why God had left me. Had I not done enough? Had I not prayed enough? Was it that party stage in my twenties that made me interfile? Was it because I had been married before? WHY WAS GOD PUNISHING ME? 

It is funny that I seriously just looked at that last sentence a while right after I wrote it? I honestly felt abandoned. I felt alone. I felt betrayed. I see now, three years later, that this was never abandonment. It was my journey. I say that to say this about "gratitude from infertility". If you are in the thick of it, it is really hard to be grateful. I get it. I have done it. Heck, I still do it.What I will tell you is to HANG ON. If you feel like you can’t take one more minute of waiting, Hold on. Hold on to your husband. Hold on to your faith. Hold on to YOUR SPIRIT. Don’t let your journey break you. It may try but don’t let it. 

That is how I find my gratefulness. I held on. I did not break. The beauty of that is that I now see I was never abandoned. My life was being orchestrated by a God that watches over me. Even when I feel like he is not. My God was growing a beautiful little boy in someone else’s beautiful womb that I now call my son. That in and of itself is greater than any plan I thought was possible. 

So, I leave you guys with this. My favorite artist of all times is Tom Waits. Don’t know who he is? Well Google now please. His is the most brilliant song writer on the planet. His song Hold On, made me hold on even when I did not think I could. You can hold on too because your journey and miracle are unfolding. You will survive and you will thrive. 

Oh you got to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I'm standing right here, you got to
Just hold on.

Jenni and her husband reside in beautiful Fairhope, AL with their larger than life little boy, Dean. She is an active member of the adoption community, providing encouragement to many women and families. You can follow Jenni on Instagram: @jennistarling

A series for people who are grateful for infertility?  Sounds crazy right! But it's not... what was once a phase of life marked by heartache and longing, has now become the scars that make us beautiful. Some of you reading this are right in the middle of your wait, are facing an unclear future or have been scarred by infertility. You may be struggling with how you could possibly be grateful for infertility. It took us a long time to get there ourselves. This is one of those areas where sometimes our faith has to guide us while our hearts and heads catch up. We have to practice thankfulness, even when it makes little sense, while God does His divine work on our souls.